Editor’s Note: I can’t take it anymore. I’ve lived in the Columbia area for over eight months now, and I can’t remain silent any longer. Columbia drivers should be studied for their unprecedented levels of retardation. Who taught Columbia residents how to drive? Stevie Wonder? Radio? Billy Joel? Does the governor need to require mandatory psychiatric tests for all Columbia drivers? To help with the ongoing problem, Colaspot proudly presents Drive Me Crazy, an ongoing driver’s education series. Midlands drivers might not be able to read stop signs, but hopefully they can read this life-saving series.

I understand the red lights in the Columbia area (especially downtown) can take longer than a Peter Jackson movie, but that doesn’t mean drivers should ignore them. A yellow light means caution or yield. After a yellow light has been yellow for several seconds and is about to turn red, it’s generally a bad idea to keep going through the intersection. After the light turns red, there is not a ten second grace period that allows you to keep going.

A few weeks ago, I was driving on Highway 1 on my way to work. A red light approximately 100 feet ahead of me was yellow, so I proceeded to slow down and stop for the light. A quick glance in my rear view mirror revealed a dump truck about 200 feet behind me. “They’ll have plenty of time to stop,” I thought. Suddenly, I heard squealing brakes and realized the truck was not going to stop - at least not until it was in my back seat. The driver quickly swerved into the left turn lane to avoid rear ending me.

Now let’s review. The driver had plenty of space to stop unless he wasn’t paying attention, was driving too fast, or a combination of both. Pretty logical conclusion, right? Apparently this guy wasn’t a big fan of logic, as he and his buddy proceeded to cuss at me like sailors with Tourette’s Syndrome. I could have said a lot of things at this point. Numerous options flashed through my head in a split second until one made the bulb in the “piss people off” region of my brain light up. Here’s what I came up with: I slowly turned to my left with a perplexed look on my face - you know, the one a dog gives you after you run into the room wearing nothing but a hockey mask and singing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song. Then, with that said perplexed look on my face, I asked, “Is something wrong?” Trust me, nothing ticks people off more than the person they want to do bodily harm to being completely clueless about their transgression. What followed was something to the effect of:

“You stupid @$%#! $@% you! You’re %$#@% lucky, %&#@! %&@ you!”

After that final “@$*% you,” one with added emphasis that clearly demonstrated the end of our “conversation,” I rolled up my window and considered if I should be polite and motion for them to get out of the turn lane and in front of me when the light turned green. My conclusion? Well, let’s just say that I’ve never taken off from a green light that fast.

While this was definitely the most dramatic red light experience I’ve had so far, I constantly spot people in my rear view mirror getting pissed off because I properly stop at a red light or a light that’s been yellow for too long. Yes, you can go through a yellow light if it’s just turned yellow, but not if your definition of “just” is five seconds ago.