Oprah Winfrey’s Make Me Even More Powerful and Worship the Ground I Walk On Live Your Best Life tour came to Charleston on Saturday, where more than 2,000 of the daytime diva’s biggest ego inflators fans showed up in the cold rain to hear her speak. This article in The State says it all, with fans like Carmen Brookshire saying “Oprah makes you proud to be a woman.” Lady, if Oprah makes you proud to be a woman, you need to do more than sit around and watch Oprah every afternoon; maybe get a job, vote, make me a ham sandwich? While the event allowed tons of Oprah fans to see their idol here in the state, it also served as a Guiness World Records-shattering palooza, with Oprah breaking the records for the most times saying the words soul, spirit, inspiration, and inner self in a two hour period. The thousands of fans who made it to the event were lucky considering tickets sold out in 120 seconds, or the amount of time it takes Oprah to make $85 million. While many fans complained about the high cost of the $125 tickets, Oprah defended the cost saying she was making no money from the tour. Shame on you, people. You should know Oprah makes her money from her TV show, TV network, movie studio, books, and magazines. On a related note, I spent Saturday afternoon having doctors surgically removed nine poisonous blowfish from my colon without anesthesia, and I had a far better time than I would have if I had went to Oprah’s lamefest.

While I could go on for days about all that’s wrong with Oprah, such as how she can say eating a live goat is great, thus making all of her fans go out and eat live goats, this article from The Phoenix does a much better job of explaining why her popularity is genuinely frightening. It’s appropriately titled Attack of the 50-Foot Oprah. Oh, and Oprah: If you’re reading this, this post must be nothing but lies. HA!